Behavioral HealthArticles

When the Holidays are Less Than Merry

by Nancy Hart

The holidays are upon us. The season races through Thanksgiving and on to Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, and Winter Solstice celebrations. We begin the season with great expectations for joyful family gatherings, seasonal parties, gift giving and holiday travel. When the reality of our holiday experiences doesn’t compare to our expectations, we can find ourselves feeling sad, frustrated, lonely, or even angry. Despite all the holiday hype, these feelings are normal.

The holidays can be especially difficult for people who suffer from social anxiety disorder. Some nervousness about meeting people or attending parties is normal, but according to the Harvard Women’s Health Watch, extreme feelings of uneasiness and self-consciousness, skipping gatherings, or feeling terrified by everyday social settings may indicate that you have this disorder. Some people experience heart palpitations, sweating, confusion and other symptoms when confronted with social situations. If you are concerned that you may have social anxiety disorder, seek help from a mental health professional.

There are things we can do to lessen both social anxiety and the negative emotions we experience at this time of the year. Elizabeth Lessor reminds us in her Oprah.com article, It’s Never Too Late to Have a Happy Holiday that all the religious stories at the heart of the holidays are about “awakening joy in times of darkness. They are about hope and hopelessness, home and exile, celebration and grief. They are never just about joy… You need seek no further than the stories of the season to help you find light in the darkest month of the year.”

The Jewish Board of Family and Children’s Services in New York City provides this list of things we can do to make our holidays happier.

• Avoid isolation by getting support from friends, family, neighbors and colleagues. Support groups, religious and local community groups and hotlines can also help.
• Increase our spirituality. A sense of something greater than ourselves can offer hope, inspiration and meaning to our lives. Our inspiration can come from traditional religions, nature, or volunteer associations. Serving others provides opportunities for socialization and meaningful activities.
• Have realistic expectations. Decide what is important, and let the other things go. You may find that being with loved ones or spending time with your children is more important than extravagant gifts. Leave the past in the past and let go of regrets and comparisons to past holidays.
• Make a conscious choice to look for positives and possibilities this holiday season. Take good care of yourself and your family. Remind yourself that some things are simply beyond your control. Set limits, assert yourself and say no. Avoid feeling overwhelmed.
• Create new rituals. Make a list of things that family members can learn and do that don’t cost money. Make craft and art projects together, have breakfast in bed, spend time outdoors, or have a picnic. If you are unable to travel to visit relatives, create photo albums, video or audio tapes as ways to connect.
• Stay away from alcohol and other drugs. Excessive use of these substances can increase feelings of depression, hopelessness and loneliness. Find a support group such as AA, NA or Al-Anon if you need help controlling substance use.
• If you must be alone during the holidays, make your alone time meaningful. Do what you love. Read, meditate, or write in a journal. Visit public places like libraries and coffee shops.
• Speak to others and do not ignore your feelings. It may surprise you how much others care and want to help. Seek professional help when necessary.
• Don’t overspend. Avoid credit card use, and decide on a budget. Huge credit bills after the holidays only increase our anxiety, stress and depression.

When you feel yourself stressing over perfection this holiday season, remember the Amish tradition of putting purposeful mistakes in their handiwork. They are reminding themselves that humans are not expected to be perfect.

Nancy Hart is a member of the Think Again! Group (TAG), which seeks to eliminate the stigma associated with mental health issues in the Cortland area. She is the coordinator of Cornell Cooperative Extension of Cortland County’s Family Fun & Resource Center.