Behavioral Health Articles
The Stigma of Grief
by Rev. Ina Warren, Contributing Writer
You would think the worst part of going through a loss would be the actual event. Yet for some people the weeks and months that follow become more painful, for it is in the aftermath that the griever endures a roller coaster of emotions while friends and family go on with life.
We experience grief every time we lose something that is highly valued and dearly loved, thus grief is a natural part of life. Things like losing a job, a home, or a relationship need grieving as well as the death of a person or pet. In grieving, the person works through the meaning of the loss, deals with the emotional attachment they have to the loss, and realigns their life with a new normal. At the time of loss, the griever’s world is out of balance and they cannot function as they once did. They might feel out of control or like they are going in circles. Some people cannot move forward or make decisions because of the intense feelings they are experiencing. Friends and family who want to support the griever may not understand these feelings or may not know what to say or do. People trying to give comfort can inadvertently say words that are inadequate or the griever may take them wrong and feel hurt. The griever feels alone, unable to express his/her feelings or understand why they feel as they do. This is the stigma of grief.
According to the intensity of how greatly we love and value that which we lost, we will feel the pain of grief. The person who mourns the death of someone they casually know will let go of their grief a short time after the funeral. However, a person with a close relationship to the deceased will need weeks or months to work through their feelings. The funeral may allow them to accept the death, but now they must release the emotional connection they have with the one they love. As the griever remembers the deceased they experience intense feelings, and it is in sharing these moments that the healing comes. Each person works through grief at his or her own pace; there is no timetable for processing these feelings. Thus, the griever lives with a sadness they cannot shake and deals with a turbulence of emotions while those who wish to support don’t understand why this is happening or how long it will last.
A stigma speaks of an invisible mark that causes pain upon the person afflicted. In the case of grief, the mark is the uneasiness within the griever that they have changed and do not understand why. Those who want to comfort the griever do not see the change until the griever exhibits the sadness, tears, and uncertainty in their life. Now the supporter sees something is wrong and wants to help the person get back to normal. The griever knows life will never be the same; they have lost something very valuable and must find a way through this maze of emotions and rebalance life.
The best thing a supporter can do to help a grieving person is to listen to them as they express their feelings or share memories. In sharing the griever’s burden, a supporter helps them process their feelings. The supporter also observes there is a change happening in the griever’s life as they let go of what is gone and establish a new normal.
Rev. Ina Warren is Chaplain and Spiritual Care Coordinator at Cortland Regional Medical Center. She facilitates a quarterly grief recovery group at the hospital. For more information about the support group, please call her at 756-3179.
This article is sponsored by the Think Again! Group (TAG), a local behavioral health task force whose goal is to reduce the stigma associated with mental health issues by increased awareness, education, and accessibility to mental health services. Articles by task force members and volunteers appear monthly. To become involved in the taskforce or learn more about emotional or behavioral health, call the Cortland County Mental Health Clinic at 758-6100 and ask for Garra.